8am and Already Angry

It wasn’t even 8am and I had already let anger boil in my heart and a sharp tone seethe out of my mouth. I closed the door to their room and walked away, immediately feeling shame. How could I have already gotten so frustrated, so quickly, SO early in the day? I told myself today was going to be different and better and sunshine and roses and butterflies – at minimum an improvement from the past 4 days which have taken a toll on me AND them.

I slumped down in a chair, picked up my phone and dialed my husband, who (thank God) was available and not in a meeting to hear me share my exhaustion and defeat. He encouraged me to spend just a couple minutes talking to God about this (let’s give it up for all the men out there who point us to Jesus!) — so I hung up.

I sat and began to cry. I talked to God about this. I’m so tired. So tired of the yuck in my heart. The anger. How quick I am to get frustrated. The fact that my children don’t feel delighted in because I’m just trying to keep from LOSING MY MIND ALL THE TIME let alone surpassing that to really be kind and loving and make sweet memories. I’m just trying to make it sometimes and I am tired of that place.

And within seconds I felt deep in my soul, “That’s why you have Jesus.” Because I have yuck in my heart, and that is the condition of this life. I will battle this yuck my whole life, and thank GOD for my Jesus who saves me from myself – who says I am enough, even when I feel like a mess. Who offers me his power and grace and HIS love from within to pour out on my kids when, let’s be honest, I can’t scrape together an ounce of my own to pour out on them. I’m dry. He waters me so I bloom and flourish, even if it’s just for a 10 second window until I’m on my knees again needing more from him.

I felt inclined to share this because this week I’ve had more friends reach out to me sharing almost identical stories and I just wanted to share my experience and say you’re not alone. Let’s remember that in Christ we are more than conquerors and we do NOT need to let our shame and sin keep us locked up in our hearts, in a dungeon of paralysis. Let’s throw that off and claim Jesus. And for those who have never experienced this type of love but want to know more, I’m around.

*During the time I wrote this, there was a POOP’S EVERYWHERE scenario, a couple diaper changes, and 2 meltdowns all in a span of 30 minutes. SOLDIER ON MY FRIENDS! God love those LITTLE PEOPLE!