I’ve only been parenting for 7 years, so in many ways I still very much feel like a beginner. But as the years have gone on, I’ve sensed some patterns that have caused me to pause and reflect.
With kids, everything is constantly changing and evolving. As soon as you feel like you’ve figured one thing out, they decide to keep growing up and you have to adjust to their next phase.
I can remember little things, like all the sleep training. We’d get in a rhythm and I’d feel like we figured nap schedules out and the next week a new challenge would surface like their ability to roll over or stand up or eventually crawl out of the crib that kept them so safely contained.
Now as our kids are slowly (or is it rapidly?) exiting the toddler phase, I’ve begun to notice that over the years we seem to routinely hit times of frustration. Tensions and frictions that emerge and hold my mind’s attention.
It may start off slow and unnoticed, but as time goes on it builds until it is “the thing” we are talking about and trying to figure out how to handle – our current parenting puzzle that needs solving.
In past times I would just sit in the frustration of the trial and feel hopeless.
Like, “Well this is really hard and I feel defeated. I really think she’ll grow up and always scream in car rides. Forever. Even when we make the drive to drop her off at college she’ll probably still be screaming.”
And I’d just wallow and assume that things will always stay the same in the hardness of that situation.
But as this pattern has been emerging, I’ve been trying to train myself to look at these tensions, these friction points in parenting, through a new lens.
A counselor of mine had shared one time that when kids start to push back or you feel their little wills come out again and again, they may be at a place where it’s time to give more freedoms. That’s their way of showing you they’re ready for more choices, more autonomy.
We are raising them to one day be fully independent so it makes sense that over time we would need to be expanding their territories of freedom.
I’m just never really good at knowing when those times have arrived.
So I’m starting to realize the pattern of how these growth spurts show me when it’s time to give more freedom.
Now when I sense a tension or friction point, something that we continue to feel like we’re beating our heads against a wall again and again and again, I try to look at it as a lesson to learn rather than a circumstance to feel discouraged in.
It’s a growing pain.
And these growing pains show me we are not hopeless with a hard situation, but that the difficulty I’m feeling might actually be the introduction of our next phase with that particular child.
Where I’m usually tempted to throw my hands up and assume things will always be difficult, I’m trying to train myself to remember the friction might be our indicator that growth is around the corner.
When I realize the thing that’s causing us parenting woes might actually be a spotlight guiding us to our next stage with this child, it is such a welcomed tension and becomes a hope-filled situation.
Perspective is everything isn’t it?
When I view these (not so) little road bumps as the beginnings of a growth spurt, it has been so helpful.
I am quicker to ask questions like, “What is God doing here? What is at the root of this tension? Do you think this kickback/attitude/frustration we are experiencing could be a friction point indicating she’s ready (and hungry) for more freedoms and choices? What things can we do to loosen our grip and give the next level of growth for her?”
I’ve usually found when my thinking changes to question asking instead of feeling dismay, oftentimes there are solutions on the horizon that can be implemented and the tensions then slowly transition.
That is, until the next one arises.
Oh parenting. You are so good at throwing curve balls!
Raising kids is always a learning process and has easily been one of the most humbling things I’ve ever done.
Have you experienced a similar pattern where you feel something becomes difficult until growth happens and then it settles into its new stage? Any tips you’ve learned for navigating these growing pains?
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