My Hungry Crowd

Today I woke with a stinging awareness of my inability to meet my kids’ deep needs to be known and loved. 

We had a day yesterday where I was reminded just how unable I am to meet their longings. Every child is different and will show their needs differently, but one of my children is very good at verbalizing what their needs are. 

And the needs are endless. 

Desiring to be cuddled. Desiring to be played with. Desiring to be read to. Desiring never to be alone.

And for this introverted, usually maxed out mom, I am left pouring from an empty cup. 

After a day like yesterday I have no choice but to come to terms with the fact that I just can’t meet these needs.

But I woke this morning and felt a rally cry from within of, “Try harder”, “Today is a new day”, “You can do this” and “I’ll muster up more energy and really work at being present emotionally.”

I then stopped these thoughts.

Instead of trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps to work even harder today at meeting my kids’ needs, I chose to stand bare before the Lord and acknowledge my inability to be there for my kids. 

It is quite freeing to come to terms with not being enough.

I am not enough for what my kids need and desire.

And rather than trying harder each day and pushing to believe that I CAN meet their every need, I want to face the truth head on.

I am not able to meet their every need. I am not their ultimate provider.

I am not God.

I felt reminded of the hungry crowd of 5,000 that needed to be fed. Sometimes my 3 kids can feel like that crowd. And Jesus’ disciples could only scrape together five loaves and two fish. 

Talk about coming up short.

Jesus could have responded with, “Seriously? You think this is going to be enough? Look at how large this crowd is and how hungry they are!” But instead he lovingly said, “Bring them here to me.”

He had the crowds sit down and he took the small amount of food and said a blessing. 

“Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. And they all ate and were satisfied.” Matthew 14:19-20

They ALL ate and were SATISFIED.

I see myself in the disciples’ shoes in this story. 

Jesus didn’t demand of the disciples to bring him enough food to feed that crowd. He didn’t say, “Well, if you can’t manage to find enough food then the crowd will just go hungry.” 

He took what they had, the gapingly small amount in comparison to the massive need, and he multiplied it. HE multiplied it. Not the disciples. Not the crowd. Only Jesus.

It is so freeing to recognize and acknowledge we are not enough. Jesus is not asking us to rise to the occasion to be enough. We simply are to bring him what we have, as small and insufficient as the portion may be. 

It is Jesus who meets the needs of the crowds. 

It is Jesus who meets the needs of our children. 

It is Jesus who meets OUR needs. 

He takes what we have and then HE provides for all the needs. 

As my kids present me with needs I just can’t meet because of my physical and emotional limitations, I want to be honest with myself and with them. 

Rather than trying to cover up my inability to provide by trying harder or mustering up more energy to be there for them, I want to accept that I am not enough. 

To share with them that I am not enough to meet their needs. To point them to Jesus who IS enough to meet their needs.

And together we can be reminded of a God who cares for us and provides for all we need. 

I can allow my lack of energy and lack of emotional capacity to be used as a window that ushers in the light of the gospel and exposes my kids to their ultimate need for Jesus. Not for mommy. 

We can rely on him together.

So today, as I am aware that I fall short in meeting my children’s needs, I hope to rest in the truth that I am not enough. 

My weaknesses provide an amazing opportunity to sit back and watch how Jesus feeds his people – how he will tend to my crowd of 3 and allow them to all eat and be satisfied by him.