It’s Just Too Much

I was standing in the front doorway watching the kids run all over the yard in the rain when I heard the basement door open up and my husband call upstairs asking, “Maryn? Do you know the kids are outside in the front yard running in the rain?”

I kind of laughed, saying, “Yes, I know. I’m watching them!”

And what’s funny about this is that his question was not outlandish. Although my first response in my head was, “Of course I know where they are! Do you think I’d let them escape the house and run around like wild animals in a rainstorm without me knowing??” But then after a second I realized the sincerity in the question.

Since he’s been working from home there’s actually been several instances when I’ve gone to the bathroom and the kids have busted into his office downstairs during conference calls and I’ve had no clue what’s happening until I get a text from him asking for help. So it makes total sense that he thought maybe I was detained and they took advantage, making a run for it like a pack of wolves.

I also realized another reason he probably thought to check with me is because it must have taken him by surprise to see our kids out in the rain living their best lives. It would have seemed very out of character for me to have agreed to let them do that.

You see for years it has rained and sometimes the kids would ask to play in it, and I have notoriously said no. Even though I guessed this was an old wive’s tale, I’d tell myself being wet and cold can make kids sick so it’s best to pass. But if I’m honest, the real reason I would say no is because of all. the. work. I didn’t want them sopping wet, requiring a change of clothes upon reentry, me needing to dry the now wet clothes followed by cleaning the grassy slippery floor they left behind. Too much. Just too much.

And I thought about what made today so different. Why was I willing to say yes today after 7 years of saying no? (That’s right, this was the FIRST time my kids have played in the rain. Adventure-seeking is not my strength.)

It was one of those moments when you step back and realize how things used to be, and how they are now. I think I said yes this time because I had the energy to say yes. I had the emotional capacity to say yes. Cleaning up the kids after playing in the rain didn’t feel like a huge weight being laid on my shoulders like it would have a couple years ago. It felt easy to see the joy it would bring them and the small cost it would take to make that experience possible for them. In the past it always felt too exhausting. It was much easier to see all the work it would entail instead of the joy, especially when I was drowning in life with 3 very small kids.

So for those of you who are still in the thick of it with all the babies and all the toddlers, keep fighting and moving forward. One step in front of the other, one day after the next. I know everyone tells you the years go by quick and it won’t always be this hard. But even when I heard those things I still doubted what they said, thinking they don’t know my level of exhaustion and the daily grind I face. It won’t let up for me. I’ll always be in this fog.

But I’m happy to report that things have turned a corner for us. Somewhere in the last couple years there’s been a shift. The kids are more self-sufficient. Not on major things, but on enough minor things that we have felt relief in our days. I am not always wiped out, stressed out, or deeply fatigued. I have more energy than I’ve had in years past and I feel little glimpses like our rain day illuminates just how far we’ve come. I’m not too tired to say yes to wet clothes and grassy floors.

Your thing may not be playing in the rain, but whatever it is that you feel you just can’t handle because it’s too much, know that one day you might easily say yes to it because you’ll be at a different place and a different season.