Motherhood – Page 2

This is Hard and That’s Ok

Sometimes it’s just hard. You’re on day 3 of the emotional roller coaster of kids who have big feelings and big reactions and they need help navigating them what seems like every 2 minutes. Breaking up fights, discussing the need to share, giving consequences, taking breaks, enduring more crying, more fighting, more meltdowns. On repeat. Day after day.

And when you wake up and it feels like your feet hit the ground just to rush right into the emotional needs of others when you yourself feel dry and empty – it’s a lot. Meanwhile you’re tired and an emotional mess yourself because you’re living through a pandemic and wondering when life will return to normal again – if normal is even a thing anymore?

It’s heavy to bear and sometimes just needs to be called out for what it is: A difficult day. A difficult week. A difficult season.

Whatever it is for you, let yourself sit in that and own it and come to terms with it. You’re in a hard place that’s not very fun right now. Light and airy don’t seem to be around the corner anytime soon but instead feel like they’re at the top of Mount Everest. Grab hold of where you’re at and give words to express it.

As I’ve been navigating these days that turn into weeks, I have noticed that I’ve been finding freedom sitting in the hardness and raising the white flag of surrender – just embracing it instead of fighting against it. If I can just understand where we’re at as a family and navigate forward from there it’s much easier than living in denial or frustration about where we actually are. Thinking everything is fine, when in fact it’s really difficult, is not helpful.

I feel that extending grace to myself is saying, “This is hard and it’s ok that I’m not handling this in the ways I would want to. It’s ok this does not feel great right now. (Then I let myself have a good cry.) What can I do to move us forward in grace and hope?”

For us today that looks like removing all expectations and “have tos” and asking myself, what would bring some relief today? Would a movie for the kids and alone time for me be helpful? Would outdoor time bring a sense of calm? Would ordering pizza and wearing pjs alleviate some stress? What is a way I can show physical grace to myself and our family today? How can we reset where we are by identifying and calling out how we are doing, and then altering our difficult day by infusing some tangible acts of grace?

These days are wild and chaotic and uncharted territory. I hope we can remind each other to be gracious with ourselves and our families as we navigate this day in and day out. Know that you are not alone!

Categories: Family, Motherhood

Don’t Blink

People told me this would happen. Don’t blink, it’ll go by so fast. Well when you’re in the thick of it with 3 young kids you can’t see anything but your blood shot eyes. You just survive.

Today it’s like I saw my life from the outside when we were walking through the airport. We had one pushing the other in the stroller and another one rolling a suitcase through the airport and only one car seat with us on the flight. Our kids were actually old enough to help lighten the load! And hold on to your hats, I WATCHED a movie on the plane today. Like from start. to. finish. Never in a million years did I think I’d see the day where we could fly with kids and I not be a ball of stress the whole time.

It’s crazy to realize how fast these baby years have gone by and that we are now on the back end. All the while our family is growing up and yet here I am, realizing I can’t let go! Exhibit A: I still had to pack 2 diapers in my bag today even though our baby has been potty trained for months without accidents and I have no reason to carry diapers with me – like none whatsoever – I should be packing undies. I literally told my husband, “I just can’t not have diapers with me, it feels wrong!” So I packed them up. Please tell me I’m not the only one who can’t let go??

Categories: Emotions, Faith, Motherhood

I Will Fail My Kids

Today was a day to not write down in the books. It’s a day I would want to forget and pray doesn’t leave emotional scars on my daughter.

I battle with anger. And as an extreme introvert who is daily pushed to extroverted limits I have never experienced in my life, with constant noise and uncontrolled volume levels and daily nonstop requests and demands on my time – I often feel maxed beyond what I mentally feel I can handle.

Then enter in anger – anger that rages most strongly when I’m at depleted fatigued states. By God’s strength I’ve been able to keep (mostly) calm as we weather the storms in our house but there are many many times I do not handle myself well.

Today I did not handle myself well and I yelled and was aggressive and slammed doors and I was so ashamed and embarrassed for how I treated my sweet girl who was in tears by the end due to my behavior. We’ve since talked things out and I through tears asked her to forgive me, but I have been left with the feeling of being a bad mom all day.

And I sat with that thought for hours and I felt God bring me through the fog of that lie. Bad mom. Why do we use that term? What does it even mean or define?

The truth is my identity and worth are NOT based on how I perform or love as a mom. My identity and worth are in Jesus ALONE. Nothing else. I will have days where my sin shines so bright it’s terrifying, and days where my sin is quieter and appears more ‘put together’ even though it’s not, and other days I will experience true freedom and growth in my tangle with sin and anger.

The truth is I WILL fail my kids. But that doesn’t equal a bad mom. It equals a mom who is a broken human in a fallen world desperately needing Jesus.

I am not a bad mom, and neither are you. Instead, we are the moms God has planned and designed us to be, and he WILL fulfill his purposes for us (Psalm 57:2), brokenness, redemption and all.

Categories: Motherhood

Becoming “Mom”

My baby’s birthday is in two days and I remember so clearly the first months after she was born – even the first year. I had a major identity struggle and wasn’t quite sure who this new woman was, and who this baby belonged to.

It felt so foreign to be attached to someone in such a deep emotional way. It felt so terrifyingly suffocating to be so concerned with another’s well being. I ate, drank and slept with the baby monitor, always checking to make sure she was ok. Even when I ran out for 15 minutes to the store I couldn’t not wonder, “Is she ok?”

Going from only worrying about me to being fully responsible for another human being and forever, no matter where I was, having a piece of my heart walking around outside of my chest, felt overwhelming.

Reality hit in those first months that I would (God willing) for the rest of my life be caring for this girl. And it was SO hard for me to feel that weight.

I felt trapped, like I couldn’t escape this new role I somehow slipped into. Don’t mishear me, I absolutely loved having a baby and enjoyed my time with her.

I also simultaneously PANICKED realizing this wasn’t a day job I could say goodbye to, this was something woven into me from here on out till the end of my days.

There was a breaking happening in me. I remember how confused I was about who I was and how I had to let go of who I used to be to embrace this new role as mom.

I know some moms don’t go down with a battle like I did – they readily and easily accept motherhood. But for some you may identify – that in my heart it was a dying to self, day after day, month after month, until I settled into this new role of being a mom.

As I think back many years ago and what a transition it was for me to enter into that new role, I realize how it’s still as fresh today as it was then, just packaged in different ways.

For me, being a mom now is totally normal and I wouldn’t change it for anything. But as I reflect, I think there’s still a part of me that fights it.

Daily I battle – I see all that’s in front of me as a long list of things to get done. I can easily trudge through motherhood just getting the lists done and thinking “Is this what my days consist of? Laundry and dishes and cleaning the floors that are just going to get undone in 20 minutes? Changing diapers and wiping hands, breaking up fights and solving conflicts, putting away ALL the toys a million times a day?”

I get lost in the role. I forget the ministry and purpose of what I do and what ‘mom’ is all about.

And then I realize – I still need to lay down my life today as much as I did the day I transitioned into being a mom.

Thankfully because of Jesus we don’t do this alone and we have power within to freely give of ourselves. How wonderful that many years ago God showed us the same love by laying down his life for his kids!

I pray God helps me (and anyone else who’s in a similar place) to have JOY in daily laying down our lives for our kids. Dying to self, in all the daily mundane tasks, while keeping our eyes on the larger vision and mission of the calling of motherhood.

Categories: Emotions, Motherhood

8am and Already Angry

It wasn’t even 8am and I had already let anger boil in my heart and a sharp tone seethe out of my mouth. I closed the door to their room and walked away, immediately feeling shame. How could I have already gotten so frustrated, so quickly, SO early in the day? I told myself today was going to be different and better and sunshine and roses and butterflies – at minimum an improvement from the past 4 days which have taken a toll on me AND them.

I slumped down in a chair, picked up my phone and dialed my husband, who (thank God) was available and not in a meeting to hear me share my exhaustion and defeat. He encouraged me to spend just a couple minutes talking to God about this (let’s give it up for all the men out there who point us to Jesus!) — so I hung up.

I sat and began to cry. I talked to God about this. I’m so tired. So tired of the yuck in my heart. The anger. How quick I am to get frustrated. The fact that my children don’t feel delighted in because I’m just trying to keep from LOSING MY MIND ALL THE TIME let alone surpassing that to really be kind and loving and make sweet memories. I’m just trying to make it sometimes and I am tired of that place.

And within seconds I felt deep in my soul, “That’s why you have Jesus.” Because I have yuck in my heart, and that is the condition of this life. I will battle this yuck my whole life, and thank GOD for my Jesus who saves me from myself – who says I am enough, even when I feel like a mess. Who offers me his power and grace and HIS love from within to pour out on my kids when, let’s be honest, I can’t scrape together an ounce of my own to pour out on them. I’m dry. He waters me so I bloom and flourish, even if it’s just for a 10 second window until I’m on my knees again needing more from him.

I felt inclined to share this because this week I’ve had more friends reach out to me sharing almost identical stories and I just wanted to share my experience and say you’re not alone. Let’s remember that in Christ we are more than conquerors and we do NOT need to let our shame and sin keep us locked up in our hearts, in a dungeon of paralysis. Let’s throw that off and claim Jesus. And for those who have never experienced this type of love but want to know more, I’m around.

*During the time I wrote this, there was a POOP’S EVERYWHERE scenario, a couple diaper changes, and 2 meltdowns all in a span of 30 minutes. SOLDIER ON MY FRIENDS! God love those LITTLE PEOPLE!