Emotions – Page 2

I Will Fail My Kids

Today was a day to not write down in the books. It’s a day I would want to forget and pray doesn’t leave emotional scars on my daughter.

I battle with anger. And as an extreme introvert who is daily pushed to extroverted limits I have never experienced in my life, with constant noise and uncontrolled volume levels and daily nonstop requests and demands on my time – I often feel maxed beyond what I mentally feel I can handle.

Then enter in anger – anger that rages most strongly when I’m at depleted fatigued states. By God’s strength I’ve been able to keep (mostly) calm as we weather the storms in our house but there are many many times I do not handle myself well.

Today I did not handle myself well and I yelled and was aggressive and slammed doors and I was so ashamed and embarrassed for how I treated my sweet girl who was in tears by the end due to my behavior. We’ve since talked things out and I through tears asked her to forgive me, but I have been left with the feeling of being a bad mom all day.

And I sat with that thought for hours and I felt God bring me through the fog of that lie. Bad mom. Why do we use that term? What does it even mean or define?

The truth is my identity and worth are NOT based on how I perform or love as a mom. My identity and worth are in Jesus ALONE. Nothing else. I will have days where my sin shines so bright it’s terrifying, and days where my sin is quieter and appears more ‘put together’ even though it’s not, and other days I will experience true freedom and growth in my tangle with sin and anger.

The truth is I WILL fail my kids. But that doesn’t equal a bad mom. It equals a mom who is a broken human in a fallen world desperately needing Jesus.

I am not a bad mom, and neither are you. Instead, we are the moms God has planned and designed us to be, and he WILL fulfill his purposes for us (Psalm 57:2), brokenness, redemption and all.

Categories: Emotions, Faith

Back to Life

I was stopped in my tracks today by reading about a girl who was professed dead and moments later was awoken back to life.

“While he was saying these things to them, behold a ruler came in and knelt before him, saying, ‘My daughter has just died, but come and lay your hand on her, and she will live.’ And Jesus rose and followed him, with his disciples…And when Jesus came to the ruler’s house and saw the flute players and the crowd making a commotion, he said, ‘Go away, for the girl is not dead but sleeping.’ And they laughed at him. But when the crowd had been put outside, he went in and took her by the hand, and the girl arose.”

What caught me off guard today was how I so personally resonate with this story.

If I’m honest, the past months have had me feeling dead. Between all the family changes and family heartaches – between raising three little kids and feeling so hormonally ‘off’ from weaning – most days I’ve pushed through to get through. Feeling dead but still walking around getting things done.

I love how Jesus is seen proclaiming this girl is NOT dead but is sleeping, and he powerfully grabs her by the hand and wakes her up back to LIFE.

For those of you walking around ‘dead’ like me, I pray you experience the power of Jesus calling you to life – deeply speaking to your heart that you are NOT dead but that you’ve been sleeping and he has the ABILITY and DESIRE to wake you from whatever funk or dark cloud you’ve been living in. Here’s to freedom!

Categories: Emotions, Motherhood

8am and Already Angry

It wasn’t even 8am and I had already let anger boil in my heart and a sharp tone seethe out of my mouth. I closed the door to their room and walked away, immediately feeling shame. How could I have already gotten so frustrated, so quickly, SO early in the day? I told myself today was going to be different and better and sunshine and roses and butterflies – at minimum an improvement from the past 4 days which have taken a toll on me AND them.

I slumped down in a chair, picked up my phone and dialed my husband, who (thank God) was available and not in a meeting to hear me share my exhaustion and defeat. He encouraged me to spend just a couple minutes talking to God about this (let’s give it up for all the men out there who point us to Jesus!) — so I hung up.

I sat and began to cry. I talked to God about this. I’m so tired. So tired of the yuck in my heart. The anger. How quick I am to get frustrated. The fact that my children don’t feel delighted in because I’m just trying to keep from LOSING MY MIND ALL THE TIME let alone surpassing that to really be kind and loving and make sweet memories. I’m just trying to make it sometimes and I am tired of that place.

And within seconds I felt deep in my soul, “That’s why you have Jesus.” Because I have yuck in my heart, and that is the condition of this life. I will battle this yuck my whole life, and thank GOD for my Jesus who saves me from myself – who says I am enough, even when I feel like a mess. Who offers me his power and grace and HIS love from within to pour out on my kids when, let’s be honest, I can’t scrape together an ounce of my own to pour out on them. I’m dry. He waters me so I bloom and flourish, even if it’s just for a 10 second window until I’m on my knees again needing more from him.

I felt inclined to share this because this week I’ve had more friends reach out to me sharing almost identical stories and I just wanted to share my experience and say you’re not alone. Let’s remember that in Christ we are more than conquerors and we do NOT need to let our shame and sin keep us locked up in our hearts, in a dungeon of paralysis. Let’s throw that off and claim Jesus. And for those who have never experienced this type of love but want to know more, I’m around.

*During the time I wrote this, there was a POOP’S EVERYWHERE scenario, a couple diaper changes, and 2 meltdowns all in a span of 30 minutes. SOLDIER ON MY FRIENDS! God love those LITTLE PEOPLE!