Emotions

Categories: Emotions, Family, Motherhood

I Didn’t Lose Myself

This year, with our kids’ ages, I have felt more myself than I have in 9 years.

The past years have felt like a blur. At one point I had 3 kids 3 and under and it was like I was off to the races but the races never seemed to end.

Every day, every year, brought new challenges and new demands. Yes, times of incredible joy and memories I would never exchange. But if I’m honest, motherhood has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

And as I was reflecting on these past child rearing years, I felt what the world so often says to mothers – I was about to say, “I lost myself”.

But then in my heart I sensed a message that rings more true. A message that is much more accurate to my experience:

I didn’t lose myself, I gave of myself.

You see, I’ve still been here.

I just made a conscious choice to give of myself these past years.

And when the demands are high (and they are high with littles) it requires so much.

So much energy. So much time. So much emotional strength.

But now that my kids are getting older, I can already feel these demands changing. The roles changing. I am not needed in the same ways I have been these last intense years.

Yes, I am still very much in the thick of it, but as my kids age I’m feeling more myself than I have in a while.

I’ve listened to more music. I’ve read more books. I’ve traveled alone more. I make less breakfasts and lunches. It’s been glorious.

So dear friends, especially those of you with young ones, know that you’re still in there.

You’re not lost.

You’ve just chosen to give of yourself in a season when the needs and demands are very high.

I don’t believe you will ever regret making this choice. To lean into this calling and sacrifice yourself to raise and love these babies.

Keep on going.

One diaper at a time. One nursing/bottle session after another. One more PBJ. One more bandaid with a kiss.

You’re giving of yourself and it’s such a beautiful thing!

Categories: Emotions, Faith, Motherhood

For The Weary

I had raised my voice at my kids as I tucked them into bed because… well honestly, because they were being kids. And when I’m tired I wrongly expect them to act like adults and then get frustrated when they don’t. I then speak sternly to deliver my message and end the night on a terrible note, closing the door behind me. Not how I want the night to go and most certainly not how I desire to treat them.

Sigh.

Parenting can feel weary. Like a long road with no end in sight. Yes it is glorious and joy-filled and exciting – but it can also be very hard, very long, very unending. It can bring all the sin out of you again and again.

This particular night I left the room and slumped down defeated in another room, lights still off, and broke down crying.

Like cryyyyyying.

Have you ever had a moment like this? Where you just can’t hold it together anymore?

Let me tell you though, it felt so good.

I finally paused and poured out my emotionally exhausted heart to God and gave him all the things that were too heavy to hold.

(Why did I pick them up in the beginning?)

Remembering who God is and that he has purposes for all the things going on in my life was like putting down a backpack filled with bricks.

The difficult things we face are not things WE need to work out, strive for or labor through.

After all he is the potter, we are the clay.

These hard things in our lives are instead lovingly and beautifully crafted for us.

We’re gently invited to lean in to the hard things and watch him work – watch him sculpt and shape us into an even more dazzling reflection of himself.

And parenthood has been a sharp sculpting for me – in the best of ways. Because it regularly brings me to my knees recognizing how broken and weak I am apart from Christ.

As we face hard times, tiring times, things that feel insurmountable – let’s resist the urge to buckle down and try harder. Let’s cease trying to remedy and bandage our trials.

What if instead we paused, pulled off our work gloves, laid down our chisels and asked God:

“What do you have for me in this?”

Categories: Emotions, Motherhood

Moms + Shame : Changing the Narrative

Do you struggle with feeling not enough as a mom? Do you have regret, shame and guilt at the end of a day? Check out these thoughts that have been a game changer for me in breaking this shame cycle. Know that you’re not alone!

Categories: Emotions, Family, Homeschool, Motherhood

4 Steps to Help Your Child When They Meltdown

As a homeschooling mom (or parent in general) I encounter hundreds of meltdowns between my 3 kids and if I’m honest, it is EXHAUSTING.

Over the years I realized that I didn’t like how I reacted when my kids would meltdown. I felt like I couldn’t meet them emotionally, and in fact I would shutdown and disconnect, just hoping the screaming or crying would stop. I wasn’t able to help them healthily deal with their emotions.

If you’d like to hear a method for how to engage compassionately with your kids when they meltdown (which I have found actually calms and addresses the meltdowns more effectively) watch this video where I break it all down into 4 steps.

As mentioned in this video, here is the link to get the PDF that details out this method for those who are more visual or would like something you can print and revisit.

Download PDF : 4 Steps to Help Your Child When They Meltdown

Here’s our life/parent coach Amy Ferrell’s email. You can email her directly or message me and I can give more details about who she is and what our times with her have looked like. She’s gold!

Email : amyferrellpwp@comcast.net

I hope this will be as helpful for you as it has been for me! Connecting with our kids and their strong emotions is so valuable and worth the effort!

Feel free to reach out with any questions or thoughts you have, and subscribe if you’d like to be notified of new posts!

Categories: Emotions, Faith

Complaining Ruts

Is anyone else in a complaining rut?

The day starts out well but as it goes on it feels like a small snowflake turns into an avalanche barreling down a mountain and I can get SO irritated.

One thing leads to another and I catch my inner-monologue griping and criticizing every little thing that happens in front of me. From the chaos and wild behavior of the kids, to the clutter that’s left everywhere I walk, or the meals that I throw in the trash because no one eats them.

This long list grows in my mind and heart, and then I usually try and find my husband or a friend so I can rattle off ALL THE INJUSTICES AGAINST MY LIFE.

Oh sweet (dramatic, hormonal, emotional) Maryn.

Take a deeeeep breath.

And then remind yourself that God’s word is powerful and effective and remember that he tells us to give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18) and to only speak words that are good for building up, that it might give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29).

Why would he encourage us to give thanks in all circumstances? And even more, to only speak words that are good for building up so it gives grace to those who hear?

I think this process of giving thanks and speaking words that build up literally renews our minds and transforms us (Romans 12:2), helping us to think on all the things Paul talks about in Philippians 4:8:

“…whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Training our minds to not fixate on complaints or frustrations, but rather turning our thoughts to gratefulness and praise is for our best – it’s the content our brains were designed to think about, meditate on, sit with and mull over.

It’s not just our family and friends that are negatively impacted when they listen to our complaints, but it’s ourselves as well. We HEAR ourselves complaining and it does not build up or give grace.

If you struggle with complaining, know you are not alone. I’m a great driver on the complaining bus and sometimes wave at people to come on in and join me!

But let’s drink God’s word, let it sink deep, and choose the way of life instead.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Proverbs 16:24

Today, let’s be on the hunt for things we can be thankful for and speak words that build up – not only for when others hear, but also for when we listen to our own minds.

Categories: Emotions, Faith, Motherhood

My Hungry Crowd

Today I woke with a stinging awareness of my inability to meet my kids’ deep needs to be known and loved.

We had a day yesterday where I was reminded just how unable I am to meet their longings. Every child is different and will show their needs differently, but one of my children is very good at verbalizing what their needs are.

And the needs are endless.

Desiring to be cuddled. Desiring to be played with. Desiring to be read to. Desiring never to be alone.

And for this introverted, usually maxed out mom, I am left pouring from an empty cup.

After a day like yesterday I have no choice but to come to terms with the fact that I just can’t meet these needs.

But I woke this morning and felt a rally cry from within of, “Try harder”, “Today is a new day”, “You can do this” and “I’ll muster up more energy and really work at being present emotionally.”

I then stopped these thoughts.

Instead of trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps to work even harder today at meeting my kids’ needs, I chose to stand bare before the Lord and acknowledge my inability to be there for my kids.

It is quite freeing to come to terms with not being enough.

I am not enough for what my kids need and desire.

And rather than trying harder each day and pushing to believe that I CAN meet their every need, I want to face the truth head on.

I am not able to meet their every need. I am not their ultimate provider.

I am not God.

I felt reminded of the hungry crowd of 5,000 that needed to be fed. Sometimes my 3 kids can feel like that crowd. And Jesus’ disciples could only scrape together five loaves and two fish.

Talk about coming up short.

Jesus could have responded with, “Seriously? You think this is going to be enough? Look at how large this crowd is and how hungry they are!” But instead he lovingly said, “Bring them here to me.”

He had the crowds sit down and he took the small amount of food and said a blessing.

“Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. And they all ate and were satisfied.” Matthew 14:19-20

They ALL ate and were SATISFIED.

I see myself in the disciples’ shoes in this story.

Jesus didn’t demand of the disciples to bring him enough food to feed that crowd. He didn’t say, “Well, if you can’t manage to find enough food then the crowd will just go hungry.”

He took what they had, the gapingly small amount in comparison to the massive need, and he multiplied it. HE multiplied it. Not the disciples. Not the crowd. Only Jesus.

It is so freeing to recognize and acknowledge we are not enough. Jesus is not asking us to rise to the occasion to be enough. We simply are to bring him what we have, as small and insufficient as the portion may be.

It is Jesus who meets the needs of the crowds.

It is Jesus who meets the needs of our children.

It is Jesus who meets OUR needs.

He takes what we have and then HE provides for all the needs.

As my kids present me with needs I just can’t meet because of my physical and emotional limitations, I want to be honest with myself and with them.

Rather than trying to cover up my inability to provide by trying harder or mustering up more energy to be there for them, I want to accept that I am not enough.

To share with them that I am not enough to meet their needs. To point them to Jesus who IS enough to meet their needs.

And together we can be reminded of a God who cares for us and provides for all we need.

I can allow my lack of energy and lack of emotional capacity to be used as a window that ushers in the light of the gospel and exposes my kids to their ultimate need for Jesus. Not for mommy.

We can rely on him together.

So today, as I am aware that I fall short in meeting my children’s needs, I hope to rest in the truth that I am not enough.

My weaknesses provide an amazing opportunity to sit back and watch how Jesus feeds his people – how he will tend to my crowd of 3 and allow them to all eat and be satisfied by him.

Categories: Emotions, Faith

When Everything is Constantly Changing

There are some personalities who thrive with change.

They’re the type who experience change as if adventure is calling them. They grab that lightweight backpack, pack their essentials, and are ready for anything, anywhere, in two seconds flat. They even have a jump in their step while doing it!

By contrast, I’m the person who braces for impact when change comes. I make all the detailed packing lists and grab TWO large expandable suitcases that max out at their 50 pound limit. I then drag those things on and off public transportation, sweating like a beast, believing it’s worth it because you just never know when you’ll need that extra pair of shoes.

I envy those who grab the bull of change by the horns. They seem so much better equipped to survive this life that is constantly changing.

Over the years, however, I’ve come to terms with how anti-change I am. Although I’d like to describe myself as “go with the flow” I know that’s a far cry from what’s true.

I like routines and schedules. I plan our meals weekly. I prefer the house to be at 74 degrees in summer and 70 degrees in winter. I eat the same breakfast of over-hard eggs and a banana almost every single day. The coffee has to be prepped and ready the night before. When I run, my laces have to be tied just right or I’ll retie them until I get the exact tightness I like. I put lotion on after every time I wash my hands. When I leave the house, using the restroom has to be the literal last thing I do. My phone is placed in the same 3 spots throughout our house. I have one favorite meal at every restaurant we go to and almost never try anything different.

It’s a bit ridiculous.

As you can tell, my personality type is less of the free-spirited one and more of the robot that’s preprogrammed. Just call me R2-D2.

Lately life has been filled with so many unknowns and my head’s been spinning a mile a minute.

So much change. So much new. Where am I? What’s my name again? They’re out of eggs? How can I have breakfast if there are no eggs? Do any other breakfast options exist? I need a minute. Gotta sit down for this one.

And the reality is, in or out of crazy seasons, change is constant and evident. It will always happen to us.

Our bodies show change every single day as we grow older.

Nature continually moves on to its next stage. New buds turn to blooming flowers. Rich green leaves turn into red-brown leaves that then fall to the ground.

Nothing stays the same.

Jobs change, homes change, locations change. Friends come and go. We say hello to new family members and mournfully say goodbye to others. We celebrate birthday after birthday and watch as our age no longer matches how we feel inside.

Change is all around us. Some seasons it’s louder while other seasons it’s quieter.

But it’s always there, reminding us how temporary it all is.

And for those of us who thrive with consistency and order, it can be crippling to experience large magnitudes of change all at once.

These are the seasons that rock you and shoot you high up in the air just to have you fall back down without a parachute.

I can remember a season not too long ago when we lost 4 family members that we deeply loved, while enduring a job change and undergoing a difficult time in our marriage all at the same time. Those were some INTENSE months of change.

I found myself waiting for when “normal” would come again. When would things calm down? It felt like I was holding my breath and waiting for the next shoe to drop. That’s what change began to feel like to me.

I sometimes wonder if God uses all the shaking of our lives to break off everything that’s not permanent. Everything that won’t last.

In hard times it can feel like a massive earthquake just happened. It’s unnerving and terrifying. It seems like everything around you is now broken and in unrecognizable pieces.

But when the dust settles and we stand up, bleary-eyed and confused, there’s always One left standing who has never been shaken.

He is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end. (Revelation 22:13)

He does not change. (Malachi 3:6)

He is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

With him there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

He is our strength, rock, fortress, deliverer, shield and stronghold. (Psalm 18:1-2)

We can confidently and securely anchor ourselves to God who will never change.

His love for us is never ending and we can take heart among all the chaos this world throws at us knowing He will remain the same.

I may never be the first to willingly embrace change, but I love how it serves as a catalyst to remind us of the One who never changes!

Categories: Emotions, Faith

Do It Scared

I was chomping away on some popcorn the other day and bit down on a kernel so hard. I felt a sharp pain as if my teeth split open like a cracked rock. Upon panicked inspection I thankfully discovered they did not actually split open like I horrifically envisioned. The resounding ache, however, was very present.

I made my husband glance at my teeth several times the next days with his cell phone light to continue to confirm they weren’t falling apart because I needed ALL EYES ON DECK. I maybe also roped one of my friends who is in the dentistry world to give me a phone consultation. And finally, I got brave enough to call my dentist. Now five weeks later, I have an appointment scheduled to have my teeth checked.

Am I the only one who seriously fears going to the dentist?? If it’s just a normal routine checkup I’m fine. But when it deals with having something fixed and potentially involving a drill, I’m down for the count. I can even be quoted having told my dentist that “I’d rather give birth to another baby than have my teeth drilled.”

I have a crazy amount of anxiety surrounding the dentist from an awful experience I had the year I graduated college. That particular visit seared itself into my brain and since then I have tried my best to avoid a dentist needing to work on my teeth. This is serious business in the Forney house. I floss and brush everyday to keep things healthy and to hopefully avoid having my teeth worked on.

But here we are, after my popcorn debacle, and now I’m most likely facing another drill.

And all of this got me thinking.

I’ve wondered sometimes if my fear of having fear is worse than the fear itself?

When I’m anxious about something, like my upcoming dentist visit, I think I tend to feel I shouldn’t be anxious because fear shows you aren’t trusting God – right? So if I’m exhibiting fear, then that indicates I’m not trusting. So I need to stop fearing and start trusting. Simple.

But it’s not simple. If you’ve encountered anxiety or fear over something, you know it’s not a simple mind-shift change. It’s not as easy as saying you want to stop fearing and start trusting God, and then it happens. I also believe fear and trust aren’t so black and white, so separated. I think they’re not necessarily one or the other but are much more woven together in a delicate dance that happens in our hearts and minds. Just because someone has fear doesn’t automatically indicate they aren’t trusting God.

A couple years ago I ran across this verse from David in Psalm 56:3-4:

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

David did not say IF I am afraid, he said WHEN I am afraid.

David clearly exhibited fear, lived through fear, encountered fear. It almost seems like this was his learned plan for when fear would strike him.

WHEN he was afraid, he would PUT his trust in God.

I think sometimes I get caught up in believing the fact that I have fear in the first place must show I don’t trust God. That if I truly trusted God, I wouldn’t feel fear or anxiety.

But where did I learn this and why has this become a ‘truth’ to me?

After sitting with these verses from David, I feel like they spoke to this very question. David was a man after God’s own heart. He had an ongoing relationship of trust with God and yet HE had fears.

It’s inevitable that I will have fears. It’s not an IF but a WHEN.

WHEN I have fear and anxiety, THEN what do I do with them?

We’ve had this motto in our house for a few years that resonates for us from this verse:

Do it scared.

I feel that ‘do it scared’ embraces the fact that you WILL have fear. You will have anxiety. And it’s ok that you feel these things. We don’t need to be fearless first before we can move into something. We also don’t need to fear having fear about something. We don’t need to believe having fear indicates we are not trusting God with our lives.

The beauty about being in relationship with Jesus and having fear is that we do not have to sit in it or be tangled by it forever because we have the power within to give it to God – to put our trust in him.

When David says, “I put my trust in you”, it feels so proactive, so intentional. He is acting upon his fear by actively PUTTING his trust in God. I don’t believe his trust was a natural knee-jerk reaction to his fear. I think he had to consciously choose to put his trust in God.

I’ve been trying to implement David’s gameplan around fear. Choosing to acknowledge that I am afraid and being ok with it. Then choosing to PUT my trust somewhere – into the loving and worthy hands of God.

For me this looks a whole lot like remembering.

Every time I’m worked up or anxious over an upcoming thing (like right now, my dentist appointment) I try to mentally remind myself it’s ok that I am afraid. I will go through this appointment, and even if I am scared the whole time, that’s ok. I will do it anyway. I do not have to be perfectly unafraid to do something.

I feel like trusting God can sometimes look like moving into the hard thing WHILE being afraid.

I remind myself that God is with me through the scary thing. He is always with me, no matter what things I face, no matter what outcomes happen. I am never alone in the things I fear.

I remind myself that God cares about the things I am fearful of, whether my fear makes sense or is completely irrational, he cares for me and my heart in this process. He will use these trials as tools to refine me and redeem me – to make me more like him.

I can cast all my anxieties on him, because he cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)

These are all things I’ve been thinking through and wrestling over the past years. Doing things scared. Acknowledging my fears and then choosing to put my trust in God. Actively remembering God’s faithfulness and care for me.

Although I am grateful I have the accessibility and ability to visit the dentist, it is something that gets me frazzled and anxious when I think about it. Maybe one day this won’t be the case? But for now it is my reality that I’m walking through.

What has helped you in your process of managing your fears and anxiety? Is there something that you also have been learning to give to God?

Categories: Emotions, Family

Coronavirus Decision Fatigue

It may not be an actual diagnosis, but Coronavirus Decision Fatigue feels like a real thing our family is experiencing. As we continue to live in a world that’s battling a pandemic, I highly suspect in the coming weeks we will have far more decisions that will need to be made, leading to a whole new level of fatigue.

I know for us, in the very beginning we had to decide things like:

How do we feel about this virus? Is this something we need to be concerned about?

Others are starting to buy essential items, should we be doing that as well?

What’s up with all the toilet paper buying – and can you pick some up when you’re next out?

Should we wear masks or is that overreacting?

Do we want the kids to continue going to their activities or stay home?

Should you be working from home or still going into the office?

Then as things began to unfold rapidly, some of the decisions became easier (or even mandated) and there were a few weeks in there where the lines were clearer, the decisions were less. We got into a new rhythm. Every situation didn’t feel AS tiring mentally because the weeks started to look the same.

We knew the kids weren’t going to any of their activities because they were canceled. We wore masks everywhere because it was necessary. Work required us to stay home. We maintained distance away from basically anything and everyone.

A lot of the decisions were made for us and there were several weeks where we didn’t face many new decisions, just figuring out how to live in the new, temporary normal.

But now as our country begins to reopen, it seems that every month will shift and change. I sense we are going to be faced with lots of new decisions.

Simple questions like, “Will we hang out with friends?” or “Should we go to that event?” are now a little more complicated to think through. We have to take into consideration what our comfort level of exposure is. How large is the group size? Will people be able to be physically spaced out enough?

We never would have batted an eye at most of these questions prior to a pandemic. They would have never been on our radar.

I also believe that we are headed into a time where everyone will have different views for how and when they plan to reintegrate into society. So every decision will require more thought and sensitivity to try and weigh out the options for how to bring people together.

For those who will land more conservatively and choose to continue laying low for the near future, they may make decisions to opt out of activities. I can see where this would be hard for them – they might feel like they’re passing up on opportunities, like they can’t participate. They may wish the activities were postponed so they didn’t miss out on them. They may feel bad for not yet being ready to be around loved ones in person.

For those who are ready to get back to normal, they may commit to doing what is available and open to them. I can see where this also might be hard for them, especially if they’re wanting to hang out and be around family and friends that aren’t yet ready to reintegrate into these plans. This may feel emotionally difficult. Or maybe they have booked future plans that are frustratingly not yet open. This may feel deflating as they need to decide what to do instead.

We are ALL going to have lots of decisions we need to make in the coming months and we will most likely land in varying places socially, physically and emotionally.

I believe Coronavirus Decision Fatigue might be something we will feel heavily in the coming weeks.

Let’s be gracious with one another and ourselves as we navigate these new waters. Let’s fight to keep in mind that we all see the world through unique and different lenses and this will impact the decisions we individually make.

If you feel exhausted with the onslaught of new factors that need to be considered with reintegrating yourself and your family, know that you’re not alone. These are unprecedented times we’re experiencing and it can definitely seem overwhelming. I know it does for me. I take comfort in knowing we’re all in this together!

Categories: Emotions, Faith

When Stress Hits

In times of stress, each of us responds in our own unique ways. The past weeks have made this even more apparent as so many of us have different ways of reacting, processing and coping with what’s been going on with this pandemic.

Some block it out. Some panic. Some prepare. Some debate. Some escape. Some deny. Some embrace. We all have our responses when stress hits.

For me? When the stress revolves around health specifically, I struggle to remember what my reality is. I quietly battle with low-grade anxiety that festers under the surface with questions. Will we catch this? Will we be in the small percentage that needs hospitalization? Will there be enough beds at the hospital? Who would school my kids if I get sick and can’t be around them? And worse, would this lead to death for me or my loved ones?

My thoughts swirl around silently, almost undetected. Sometimes it takes me weeks to call out and identify what my brain has actually been thinking among all the noise of our days.

I’ve been spending some time reading about Jesus and this particular verse cut straight through my anxiety and sobered me, reminding me of what is TRUE of my circumstances.

When his time was drawing near to his death, he prayed to God and said,

“I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do.”

And this right here brought my eyes back into focus.

There is no disease, no famine, no natural disaster, no world pandemic that can shift or change the days God has planned for us on this earth. We will be here until the work he has created for us is accomplished. Each and every day is numbered and purposed and there will be nothing that will shake or alter that.

When my head spins and my what ifs lead me down paths of fear and death, I am comforted to remember that my time here on earth is determined by God himself. He has a plan for us – and nothing can, or will, take us from his holy loving grip.

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