My baby’s birthday is in two days and I remember so clearly the first months after she was born – even the first year. I had a major identity struggle and wasn’t quite sure who this new woman was, and who this baby belonged to.
It felt so foreign to be attached to someone in such a deep emotional way. It felt so terrifyingly suffocating to be so concerned with another’s well being. I ate, drank and slept with the baby monitor, always checking to make sure she was ok. Even when I ran out for 15 minutes to the store I couldn’t not wonder, “Is she ok?”
Going from only worrying about me to being fully responsible for another human being and forever, no matter where I was, having a piece of my heart walking around outside of my chest, felt overwhelming.
Reality hit in those first months that I would (God willing) for the rest of my life be caring for this girl. And it was SO hard for me to feel that weight.
I felt trapped, like I couldn’t escape this new role I somehow slipped into. Don’t mishear me, I absolutely loved having a baby and enjoyed my time with her.
I also simultaneously PANICKED realizing this wasn’t a day job I could say goodbye to, this was something woven into me from here on out till the end of my days.
There was a breaking happening in me. I remember how confused I was about who I was and how I had to let go of who I used to be to embrace this new role as mom.
I know some moms don’t go down with a battle like I did – they readily and easily accept motherhood. But for some you may identify – that in my heart it was a dying to self, day after day, month after month, until I settled into this new role of being a mom.
As I think back many years ago and what a transition it was for me to enter into that new role, I realize how it’s still as fresh today as it was then, just packaged in different ways.
For me, being a mom now is totally normal and I wouldn’t change it for anything. But as I reflect, I think there’s still a part of me that fights it.
Daily I battle – I see all that’s in front of me as a long list of things to get done. I can easily trudge through motherhood just getting the lists done and thinking “Is this what my days consist of? Laundry and dishes and cleaning the floors that are just going to get undone in 20 minutes? Changing diapers and wiping hands, breaking up fights and solving conflicts, putting away ALL the toys a million times a day?”
I get lost in the role. I forget the ministry and purpose of what I do and what ‘mom’ is all about.
And then I realize – I still need to lay down my life today as much as I did the day I transitioned into being a mom.
Thankfully because of Jesus we don’t do this alone and we have power within to freely give of ourselves. How wonderful that many years ago God showed us the same love by laying down his life for his kids!
I pray God helps me (and anyone else who’s in a similar place) to have JOY in daily laying down our lives for our kids. Dying to self, in all the daily mundane tasks, while keeping our eyes on the larger vision and mission of the calling of motherhood.
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